So What?

I have tossed my mind about
carelessly,
 like a child with a ball
and it may have finally fell past retrieval.
I left an old heart scattered in too many places
pawned off like a unsealed garage sale puzzle
I have become the charicature, the cartoon,
that I created.
an external portrayal,
which is but a distorted reflection of the internal.
I have feigned listlessness for so long
that I may have actually achieved it
because I wanted to be like you,
a black belt, journeyman, mechanist, master of apathy
perfectionists of feeling nothing
and by the time I realized I was my own person
with all the emotions I was taught to neglect
it was too late, the leap was made.
I never wanted to not care,
I wanted to not care about how I care,
or how I thought.
and as the feelings die inside
so does the fire and the passion
that fuels the greatest of loves
and so the saying goes
be careful what you wish for.